anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
