you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
