Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
