I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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