I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
