I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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