Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
