I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
