Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize