I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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