watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
