there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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