bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
