I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
