they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
