Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I would ride that face into the sunset
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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