she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
