i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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