so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
