Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
