Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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