so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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