So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
