Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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