If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
