We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
