Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
