I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
