Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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