Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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