I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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