The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
