when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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