I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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