Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
