you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
