I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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