...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
