The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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