he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
