Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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