One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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