I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
