god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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