Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
