So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just cut my nipple shaving
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
