some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
