Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
