TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
