it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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