I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
