I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
