matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
