She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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