Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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