I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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