Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
